Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Brett Favre, you're a douche

Sure, this is not really a sports blog. It's not really a blog about any one (or several) topics. But the blog was inspired by a great Kentuckian, Dr. Hunter Stockton Thompson. In case you couldn't tell from our heavy-handed attempts to HST-and-Ralph-Steadman-ize the site.

But in the spirit of the sport-loving Dr. Gonzo, here's our first dip into the sports world...

Dear Brett Favre,

You are one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. For 20 seasons you've rocketed laser passes, made impossibly ballsy TD throws, run for your life from 300-pound behemoths. You've got multiple MVP awards and a Super Bowl victory; a guest-star spot in one of the greatest comedies of the last 30 years, "There's Something About Mary". You, sir, are a sports legend.

Another title you should be given is "Sports Douche of the Decade". Is that an overstatement? Maybe. I mean, you have to compete with Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds, Stephon Marbury, etc. But hear me out.

You're a stone's throw away from AARP. In many ways it's a miracle you're still in good enough physical shape to play football. You've taken big hits through the years.

The fact that you're playing at age 40 is very impressive. Hell, I'd like to see you play until you're 65!

But you're not special. Football is the ultimate TEAM sport. You need a roster of 53 strong-willed, selfless players to succeed in the NFL.

These strong-willed, selfless 53-man rosters are forged in the molten pit of despair known as training camp: two-a-day practices, searing heat, immense fatigue. These activities serve to stratify the players and solidify the depth chart, create team chemistry, learn new concepts and improve position skills, and--perhaps the most important aspect of all--form a bond between players and across the team.

Brett, by not coming to training camp but showing up during preseason games to play a season, you are impeding your team's chances to win a Super Bowl. Plain and simple.

Play until you're 65. No one cares. But have the decency to go through two-a-days; sit in tape sessions with your teammates; help the younger quarterbacks develop their skills for when you DO really retire; help build chemistry with your wide receivers; help build TEAM chemistry, as a team leader.

Is that to much to ask for a professional being paid millions of dollars a year?

Stop being a douche, Brett.

Sincerely,

Sports Fans Everywhere