Sunday, March 28, 2010

March Twenty-First, Two Thousand Ten...

This is eight days before the next episode, from Comedy Central's news headquarters in New York, of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

This is also the day that Congress finally passed healthcare reform. Two days later, President Obama signed the bill into law.


The Daily Show's John Oliver.
Photo courtesy of tedkerwin.
I wonder if the Daily Show / Colbert Report break has anything to do with the timing of the passage and signing of the wonderful new law. Not long ago, the White House complimented the two fake news shows on their quality and toughness of coverage.

Perhaps the legislators and executives wanted a few days for the dust to settle before Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert broadcast the biggest fuckin' deals about their positive and difficult-to-pass for-the-good-of-the-people legislation.

"Hope and Fear" from Sinfest

Friday, March 26, 2010

"Americans Still Concerned About Barack Obama's Possible Ties to Satan" from Indecision Forever

According to a new poll from Harris Interactive, American are still Americans

Americans have some extreme views of President Obama, with a new controversial survey suggesting that 40 percent of adults believe he is a socialist, and about a quarter of survey participants thinking the president is a racist, anti-American and even doing things Hitler did.

A racist, anti-American Nazi? Snooze! You'd better do better than that America is you wanna shock me into fearful dismay…

14 percent of Americans say President Barack Obama may be the Antichrist.

Head, explode, skull shrapnel, brain mist.

Take a moment and just try and wrap your exploded brain about that one for a moment. Think about how, for every 100 people you see during the day, 14 of those people are worried that Barack Obama might maybe be this poorly-defined mythological character that someone who we can't even really identify wrote about in some letters a couple thousand years ago.

Of course, that's not completely right either. It can be a lot less than 14 people, or a lot more, depending upon the political breakdown of where you live in the country…

When split by political party, 24 percent of Republicans and 6 percent of Democrats viewed the nation's leader in this way.

A quarter people who identify themselves as Republicans. That's one out of four. You can't find one out of four people who can locate Indonesia (a.k.a., where Barack Obama was borne of a jackal) on a map of the world. And yet one out of four Republicans think that all the facts aren't in yet about the possibility our President is the offspring of Satan with magical evil powers and herald of the End of Days.

And, hey, Democrats aren't off the stupid hook for only having a whole fucking 6 percent who believe this nonsense. I'm sure that the reason a lot of them aren't worried about Obama maybe being the Antichrist is that they're much more concerned that his chakra hasn't traveled far enough into Capricorn's cusp for his emgrams to be fully acupunctured homeopathically.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Healthcare Reform Signed Into Law

Correction: The bill is scheduled to be signed into law this morning. The Senate version passed the House on Sunday night, making it ready for an executive signature.

The previously-passed-by-the-Senate healthcare bill was signed into law last night. A lot of work still needs to be done, but this piece of progress is heartening!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

A Need for Slavery

The Confederate States of America were onto something: slaves are often necessary for an individual to become rich & powerful. However the War of Northern Aggression a.k.a. the American Civil War was an unnecessary struggle; slaves do not have to be a class of unpaid humans oppressed by collective bigotry. Slavery is not an all-or-nothing category. Plenty of modern individuals are slaves to some degree. Some are wage slaves who can't afford to miss a single day of work, no matter how sick they or their families might be. Some are slaves to their employers, coerced into dressing and behaving in a way that represents their respective companies' values, even when those values clash with their own personal values.
Slaves aren't necessarily people, either. Other animals, computers, robots, and other machines do, dare I say, most of the world's work without any expectation of a fair paycheck.
Modern Americans are quick to condemn our slave-owning ancestors, but we must remember that times have changed. Without a dishwasher, washing machine, air conditioner, computer, etc. etc., I suspect that most of us would desire slaves and that the anti-slave minority would be composed mostly of those who could not afford to feed slaves of their own. Times have changed more than we have, I think.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Gay ≠ Second-Class

I've tried very hard to put myself in the shoes of a Bible-thumping conservative (Republican or Democrat; I mean "social conservative" here). Thinking about my faith, my hard work, my traditional family values, et cetera. I try to visualize a scenario in which I have hatred or fear toward strangers based solely on a personal decision they make which in no material way affects me or my loved ones.

It just does not compute.

It makes no sense to me that a tax-paying, law-abiding American citizen could be denied the right to love another tax-paying, law-abiding American citizen. Marriage is supposed to be a basic human right, and is one that is taken totally for granted by heterosexuals. Conservatives would have you believe that they--being heterosexual--have a divine right to marriage, but that homosexuals do not have this right. There is an arbitrary requirement that marriage must be man/woman. Why? There is no precedent for this notion whatsoever if you throw religion out the window. And since we are in America and are not supposed to give specific religions preferential treatment, this shouldn't be an issue, right?

On paper: yes. In reality: no.

There are a million points to be made, and in later posts I might address some of them, but I want to boil this down to one simple idea: if gays are to be continually denied a basic right such as marriage and partner-based health and tax benefits, then they should be compensated.

How, you ask?

If you are gay and not allowed fair treatment extended to heterosexuals (hospital visitation, marriage, tax benefits, et cetera), then you get a 50% tax discount and get to choose a few laws you don't want to obey. Pretty simple, right?

The way I see if, if the government wants to deny you full privileges even though you pay taxes and observe the laws like heterosexuals, then you should get a break. The government shouldn't get a free lunch to have you pay money, follow the rules, AND be told how to conduct your personal business!

After all, no one knows more about personal relationships than the government, right?

The fact is this: no one has any business telling anyone else what to do in their private life, as long as it is not impinging on the rights, freedom, or safety of others. Being gay hurts no one, but the intolerance against gays does. If your brother, sister, father, mother, or children told you they were gay, would you stop loving them? Would you forget all your wonderful memories and love and banish them from your life?

It is important for legislators and voters to remember gay people are real, not just something you hear about on TV. These decisions can destroy happiness of others, and for what? How does it impact Joe the Plumber if Dave and Steve get married 2,500 miles away?

It doesn't, but it's Fear. It's time to stop the Fear, and start being Fair.

"Where Do You Live? Canada." on Chat Roulette on Moronail

"Why I'm a Liberal, and why I think Conservatives are Greedy Baby-Blood Harvesters" in Jerry's Blug Specktacular

. . . Between funny graphics of intentionally bad animation and great guest panels featuring a who's who of the music industry, soap opera actors, university professors, and high profile bloggers (hint, hint Phil! LOL), Stupinsky lays the hypocrisies of the Right out to bear. Such great lines includes:

"What's wrong, Republicans? Afraid Obama's new healthcare plan won't cover vampirism? Won't be able to harvest your precious baby blood?" . . .

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Jerry Shows Some Oscar Love

Originally posted by Jerry on Facebook

(Note: this was originally typed on Microsoft Works, and I wrote alot of footnotes, and those footnotes won't copy and paste with the rest of the document, so I retyped all the footnotes at the end of post for those that care to read them. Much love.)

To me, the Oscars are Hollywood’s equivalent to a bunch of rich white bald men with monocles walking naked into a room full of rank caviar cultivated by a million sweat shop workers, who all congratulate themselves for their fashionably tweaked mustaches, and then proceed to fellate each other, which ascends to a crescendo of the most obnoxious slurping noises on the planet while the fucking “Ode to Joy” blares.

And really, that just describes those annoying fucking clip shows they spend millions to cut and air. Seriously, I know eight-year-olds who could cut one of those reels on a fucking Mac Book.

I watch the Oscars every year. I’m not a sadist, I don’t get off on torturing myself, and I don’t condone other people doing it, but I don’t have many traditions and I thought maybe I’d add some balance to my life by attempting to conform to some ritual at least once a year. And I like movies. I really do. I love comics a lot too, but the Eisner Awards aren’t broadcast on TV and I can never muster the enthusiasm to haul my ass out to San Diego to sweat my ass off in long ass lines filled with morons trying to get a shot of Olivia Munn’s camel toe (1) in Lara Croft shorts just to watch a comic book award show. That aside, the Oscars are one of the few awards shows of any significant importance remotely connected to anything I give a shit about , so I convince myself that each year won’t be as bad as the last and plop my ass in front of the TV and subject myself to worst kind of wank-off Hollywood has to offer the world. Again, I’m not a sadist. I think a more apt comparison is to a dumbass kid who, even though he is aware of the repercussions, sticks his finger in front of a snapping turtle week after week because he thinks snapping turtles are really neat.

Every year, Hollywood’s best and brightest (and a lot of the time, whitest) come out to celebrate the previous year’s films with an overly elaborate, unnecessarily showy party where they hand out gold statues (probably mined in some poor country where a US film’s budget would fund a decent agriculture program) to films that the Academy, (REPEAT: THE ACADEMY) deems noteworthy. Oh, and people bring up some social issues and celebrate a dead grip from the set of Bridge on the River Kwai and people wear really fancy clothes, which in a sense I’ve decided are important because the flamboyant tanning-bed vampire that rants to the vapid morning anchor the next day needs a job too. It’s not really as much about films as it is about taking a giant air tubes and shoving them up the asses of the Hollywood elite until their egos inflate to the point that their heads explode and magic HAPPY rains down on America.

If the sanctimonious nature of this ego orgy was surprising to anyone, you’re the audience the Academy has in mind and you can just stop reading. And this would be a really lame, really redundant piece (2) if all I was doing to was ranting and raving. No, my faithful readers (3), I just thought of a way they can broadcast the Oscars and I can actually enjoy it for once. It’s quite simple. If Hollywood just merely embraced all the contradicting hypocritical bullshit they peddle year and year and present the show for what it really is, America might just be saved (4). Because that’s what the Oscar’s are all about. The Academy will tell you so.

1: Give commentators Sodium Pentothal (5) and make the preshow four minutes long.

Nothing really sums up the Oscars more than the red carpet pre-game suckfest that precedes the Award show by what seems like four fucking hours. The various networks and tabloid shows ship out “reporters” from whatever weird retard farm they grow these people at (6), and one by one the parade that is SPECTACLE begins. But the thing is, we don’t need an hour of this shit. The stars are there to look at each other and fuck Benicio del Toro in the elevator. We don’t need to see them. So jack the dumbass commentators full of “truth serum” (7) and condense everything down to four minutes and distill what is really the essence of the Oscars. “Oh, hey Nicole Kidman, that sure is stunning dress.” “Oh I know! I have to swallow magnesium bromide and have a CAT scan for nine hours for it to shine like it does!” “Oh that’s just swell, and look who it is walking down the red carpet, it’s Token Ethnic Actor in Each Category guy! What an inspiring, inspiring story this person has had. But wait, we don’t have to time to interview him, because there’s Jack Nicholson! He hasn’t been in anything this year, but boy is it fun watching his senile ass having a Quaalude nap in the middle of the red carpet! This, folks, is what the magic of Hollywood is all about. We got 12 seconds to Oscar time, let’s go to commercial! I’m going to go wash the shame off myself! I blew a producer to get this job!”

2: Let the host get it out of his system.

Every year, the Academy picks from a narrow pool of used-to-be-marginally-funny white men (occasionally Whoopi Goldberg and Chris Rock are “allowed” to perform) to tell jokes in between awards. It’s really just an opportunity to for a former box office draw to stand on stage and act like he’s great again. So, in light of that, I say we allow the host to walk out, masturbate on stage for 5 minutes, get everything out of his system, and the audience then has to clap for 20 minutes. That way, he feels important and he wastes the same amount of time he would’ve wasted telling jokes about Republicans all night.

3: Nominees are decided with a lottery system.

A lot of the times movies I and the rest of America (8) don’t really give a shit about are nominated, and I end up watching awards handed for shit I didn’t even know existed. I’m waiting one year for Ben Stiller to stand on stage and announce that the winner for Best Sound Editing is a wooly mammoth, and while I’m sitting there gaping at what I think is another “please-put-a-round-in-this-jack-off’s-head” joke from Ben Stiller, a fucking wooly mammoth in a tux will walk on stage and say thanks. Seriously. Lately, nominations have gotten a bit better, but this year’s decision to add five more movies to the Best Picture category is an impotent gesture designed to show that the Academy isn’t out of touch. Bullshit, I say. Too little, too late, and if Hollywood really wanted to impress me, they’d just throw a bunch of names in a big lottery machine and pull the nominees at random and vote from the pool of what’s pulled. If the Academy doesn’t like what’s nominated, they can bring in a big bullshit buzzer to hit every time someone who isn’t fit to win actually wins and a big bullshit sign will come down and everyone will clap.

4: The clip shows. The fucking clip shows.

You can bank on at least twelve clip shows at the Oscars. Usually one is a visual obituary, where people snooze through obscure grips and composers and then clap whenever actor an Olson twin has killed shows up, and then we get various clip shows about, well, whatever the hell the Academy feels like cropping together. So, instead of the same shit, which is really just Hollywood going “Look at this cool shit we’ve done in the past that isn’t near as good as the shit we make now”, I say there is one video. One video of Morgan Freeman, a “safe” minority who’s choosing shows that the Hollywood that employs a negatively-disproportionate amount of people of color isn’t racist, reading a list of names of everyone sitting in the audience, and then saying “Great job.” Then, confetti can rain from the ceiling and everyone can high five each other.

And, that in a sense, is how I would fix the Oscars. It’s either that, or filming the old white dude monocle scenario I just described. Which, now that I think about it, might be more entertaining.

Everybody Mambo!

1. Apparently none of these future sex offender registry members know what Maxim magazine is. They’d save themselves a lot of time and money.
2. Like it fucking isn’t already.
3. All four of you.
4. Because Dick Cheney having 5 heart attacks and still living it certainly not doing the trick. Thanks, Mother Nature. You’re doing a hell of a job ridding the world of this scum-sucking cum Kleenex.
5. A trademark of Abbott Laboratories. Thanks Wikipedia!
6. College Glee Club?
7. Which really isn’t truth serum, but a compound that just make’s people less resistant to persuasion or coercion. It’s like date rape for investigators and American military interrogators.
8. I just want to make the distinction that I’m in no way comparing what I think to the rest of America, except in terms of our mutual bafflement at some insanely UFO-like obscure shit in film. I want to note that America was also the same place that let Transformers 1 and 2 gross over 700 gajillion dollars.